On The Road

My daughter and I are leaving tonight to drive to Missouri for my son's graduation from Military Police school. Should be an intersting trip. One of the difficulties faced by a divorced person is dealing with her children. Even if the children are grown when their parents divorce, there are still issues to deal with. Children are basically selfish individuals (regardless of age) and are concerned about how everything is going to effect them. They have in their little heads an ideal outline for their lives. Usually that ideal outline includes Mom and Dad staying right where Dick and Jane left them when they moved out. But who said we get to follow the ideal outline for our life?
We've come a long way in the past year. We've gone through all the emotions of grieving something we all lost - disbelief, hurt, fear, anger - and now we are finally at the acceptance. This is the new normal and this is the way it's going to be from now on and we aren't all going to die from it! One mistake we did make in the aftermath of the divorce is not going through these emotions together. We all went our separate ways and dealt with it the best we could on our own. I'm hoping that during the seemingly endless hours of driving and plenty of alone time that my children and I can finally talk about all of the things we've gone through this past year and lay our old lives to rest once and for all so we can move on with our new lives.
Remember us as we travel the next couple of days and if nothing else, you know I'll come back with at least one story to tell!

Great Outdoors Initiative

Please go over to my other blog, Crazy Old Lady With a Shotgun and read my post there about the so-called Great Outdoors Initiative. Thanks!

P.S. For those of you who are not computer knowledgeable (I won't call any names!) go to http://crazyoldladywithashotgun.blogspot.com. You should be able to just click on the link.

P.P.S. I apologize for the language if it offends anyone.

Back in the Saddle Again

Yes, faithful followers of my blog (all 4 of you) I am back. While there haven't been any momentous occasions for me to blog about, I do feel the need to update you. As for the kitchen remodel, it is still not 100% complete but my kitchen is completely functional! I still have some painting and touch-ups to get done but for the most part it is like I wanted it - complete with a new air conditioner. I know - I put it off as long as I possibly could but by the end of July I was dying. So I broke down and bought one. Of course the first one I bought was the wrong size so I had to take it back to get the right size. I am absolutely no good at eyeballing something and being able to tell you what size it is. (Sometimes that's a good thing) So, after getting the right one and having a nervous breakdown while it was being installed, I now have a cool house. At least until the first power bill comes. Then I'll probably turn it off again and never use it! Of course, every day I drive up the road to my house expecting to find the smoking ruins of it because the air conditioner shorted out and caught it on fire. I know, sometimes I'm overwhelmed by own optimism. But so far so good.

My son is graduating from his advanced training in MP school with the Army. He told me last night he is up for honor graduate and I am so excited for him. Even if he doesn't get it, to graduate at the top of your class is still an honor. Believe me, he didn't inherit that from either of his parents. I'll be glad to get him back home so I can undo all the Army has taught him and turn him back into Mama's baby. Just kidding - but I do look forward to spoiling him some.

I know my last post was at the end of May, which as you all know, is my birth month. I believe I posted about turning 47. I think I look fairly decent for a 47 year old grandmother and have been pretty happy with my appearance so far. But the other day I had some issues. I got up as I normally do each morning and got dressed for work. Now, when I get dressed, I usually just look down to make sure that a. my clothes match, b. that they are not wrinkled and c. that my underwear is actually under my clothes. Important things to check at this stage of life. When I got to work and went to the bathroom I noticed in the mirror that something looked wrong in the chest area. The girls looked crooked! I checked it out and figured that my top had shrunk and the pattern on it was now crooked, making the girls look crooked. So I tugged and pulled and tucked until the pattern was straight but they were still crooked. This annoyed me all day and I even asked one of the guys if they looked crooked to him. (This is a humbling experience, trust me!) He thought they looked normal but I knew something was wrong. It looked like my chest had a stroke and one side was drooping drastically as a result. By the time I got home I was just thankful to be there and didn't give the girls another thought until I started to get dressed this morning. First, I looked in the mirror, full frontal without anything on. (If you are reading this and know me, try not to get a mental image - it will haunt you the rest of the day.) True, one looked a little different than the other but not too very much. So then I started to put on my bra and that's when I noticed it. One strap was at the normal position and the other strap was let completely out! Why didn't it occur to me to check this yesterday? I could have avoided all that psychotic behavior, wouldn't have had to ask one of the men I work for (yes, for!) to check out my boobs, and could have walked around without my arms folded in front of me. I think the saddest part of the whole day was that my boss thought I looked like I always do! I can't even begin to process that at this point.

Deja Vu All Over Again

I know I have gotten very lazy about posting lately but as I titled a previous post, life happens. I've been busy working at the ballpark 4 nights a week, church on Wednesday night, working on my kitchen, and writing letters to my 20 year old, homesick baby at basic training. Good news though - ball season ended last night and my kitchen is almost finished so that will be two things I'll mark off my list. Still have graduation parties, a party at my house in June, 4th of July celebrations and my son's graduation September 2. Where did summer go?

I've also been struggling with some personal issues that I haven't told my friends or family about. We'll see how many of them check my blog on a regular basis now by the questions I get from this!

Since I already have my summer scheduled (something every single weekend until July 10th so far!), posting new stuff on the blog will be scarce. I promise if you don't hear from me soon, I will have tons of stories to tell when summer is over. The trip to my son's graduation for 9 hours in a vehicle with my ex should be inspiration for a ton of them. So if I don't talk to you again here, have a great summer. But if something hilarious or life changing happens in the meantime, I'll be here to share it with you.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Yesterday I turned 47. 47!!! How did that happen? I don't feel any different than I did at 46 and I'm the same size now that I was at 16. If you don't believe it look at my driver's license! My weight hasn't changed in 31 years. I do think the last time I renewed my license though, the lady kind of smirked when she asked me if there were any changes and I said no. Back on track now - 47. That's not even a milestone birthday. So how did I end up who I am and where I am at the age I am? Who knows?! One day I was a senior in high school with my whole life ahead of me; the next day I was a mother and wife; the next day my kids were grown, I was a grandmother and I was single again.
Birthdays have never bothered me until now. Now I think, "Wow, I'm 47 and not getting any younger (or slimmer apparently) and there may be a chance that I'm all I'm going to have for the rest of my life." Can I spend the rest of my life living alone? I guess that one remains to be seen. There are days when I have hope that Mr. Right will come along and make me his wife. But there are other days when the loneliness seems to overwhelm me and I am truly afraid of being alone. My birthday was one of those days when the loneliness won out. To quote Scarlett O'Hara though, "tomorrow is another day!" (and Mr. Right better get his butt in gear!)

Still Here!

I know I have been a very poor blogger but life has a way of intervening in your best laid plans sometimes. Since my last post about the infamous flat tire (did I tell you I forgot to set the parking brake so the tire was spinning while I was trying to put it back on?), life has been busy. - My kitchen is now ready to be painted and then my cabinets can go back in. It will be so nice to have a working sink again. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself.
- My garden is in the ground and looking kind of sad. So far I think all it will probably make will be green beans and potatoes.
- My son left for basic training. I know he's 20 years old but when I read the letters he writes home, I still see my five year old little boy with the buzz haircut and the cow-lick in the front (or as he used to call it, a deer-lick!). My mommy instinct is to go out there and bring my baby home but my common sense tells me that sometimes being a good mommy is letting go. I hate my common sense right now and if it ever goes to sleep I plan on killing it!
- I've been working the concession stand at the little league field four nights a week. What can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment. What's really sad is that in a couple of more years, my GRANDSON will be out there playing on those fields. Man, is my daughter getting old!
- Lastly, it will soon be a year since I moved out and started a new path for my life. I look back at all the things I've been through or dealt with (like the mouse in the washing machine) and I realize that I've got an inner strength that has seen me through. For the first time in a long time, I feel some sense of normalcy about my life. I've settled into a routine and try to weave and bob with the punches that are thrown my way occasionally. I've learned a few things also. 1. I don't have to be in control all the time. (Hello, my name is Lisa and I have control issues. It's a family thing) It really is okay to let others do things. 2. Settle for less than perfect. (more control issues) Everything does not have to be just so. There have been times when my brother has been in my house and I know he thought, "Does she ever clean this place?" I do clean but I'm not obsessed with it. Seeing as I've been living in a construction zone for the past six months, there's just not a whole lot you can do to clean. The best I've been able to achieve so far has been livable. Since I don't cook much at all, I don't have to worry about the health department shutting me down. 3. 100 years from now, who's gonna care? Maybe not even 100. Maybe only 20 or so. Who's gonna care that part of my cabinets sat on my porch for several months? Or that the yard looks like the wilderness is trying to take it back? Or that I didn't wash my sheets for a month? (seriously, if you're clean when you go to bed why change them every week?) 4. If I never marry again, I will survive by myself. It's not what I want but if it's just not in the cards for me again, I can accept that.
The old saying that "Life is what you make of it" is true. All the things that have happened to me could have been seriously depressing and I did struggle with those feelings from time to time. But when all is said and done, you just have to go on living. So if any of you who read my blog, (all four followers and some of you lurkers out there) are going through difficult times, the sun will shine again. Hang in there - like a hair in a biscuit! (thanks Steve for the quote - love that expression!)

Being Divorced Hits Home

I had a flat tire this morning. Not really earth shattering news but you know me - there's a story!

I noticed yesterday evening that my tire was low. Logically I should have gone to the gas station and aired it up then but I didn't. I thought it had enough air in it to make it to work this morning and one of the guys would plug it for me (Hey Travis!). This morning I saw that it was too low to drive on so somebody was going to have to change it. In the old days, I would have gone back in the house and told my husband it needed changing, but this isn't the old days anymore. I thought about who I could call but decided I could do this myself.

After unloading all the crap I tend to carry in the trunk of my car at any given time, I got the spare and the jack out of the trunk but couldn't find the lug wrench or the little thing to make the jack go up (I don't know what it's called!). I went inside and called one of my bosses to get him to bring me a lug wrench and a thingy and he told me he would be over after he dropped his son off at school. So, I go back outside and pick up some big piece of particle board looking stuff that goes in my trunk and there the two tools are on the back of it. So, I go back inside to call my boss and tell him I found them. Then I go back outside to change the tire.

The tire changing itself went relatively smooth. I got the car jacked up and the flat off with little trouble. Putting the spare on was another thing. The car wasn't high enough to get the spare on so I jacked it up some. Then it was too high and since I'm kind of lazy and didn't want to lift the spare up even an inch, I let the car down some. Too much. So I jacked it back up again. I still had to lift the spare but I finally got it on.

All of that seems rather boring so here I'll give you the fun details. I had already taken my hair out of my curlers but had not fixed it before I went out to change the tire so I had these big sausage curls all over my head. Of course the early morning dampness took care of them in short order and I ened up with my hair pulled back in a clip for work. I leaned forward too far one time and hit my already made-up nose on the tire so I had a black smudge on it. My hands of course were covered in black stuff and I was having an OCD attack thinking about all the filth that tire had run over. But the best part - THE BEST PART - was that I still had on my pink jammies and my fuzzy pink house shoes while I was changing the tire!

Get a mental picture now: Hair hanging down around my face in fat droopy curls, smudge on the nose, hands covered in black gunk, me on my knees beside my car wearing pink pajamas and house shoes trying to wrestle a spare tire onto my car. I'm telling you, life just doesn't get more glamorous than this!

So today, the full realization that I am truly divorced hit me in the nose worse than that tire did. Would I change my status to go back to where I was this time last year? Not on your life. Would I choose to live next door to a man that's handy with a jack instead of out in the sticks? You betcha!

You Might Be a Redneck -

I could give Jeff Foxworthy a run for his money I believe. My favorite redneck event in my life so far was my bridal registry when I got married 22 years ago. The invitations to my tea said that I was registered at Jackson's Hardware! Honest Injun! In Brundidge, Jackson's Hardware is a hardware store on one side and a gift shop on the other. You can't make this stuff up. Now on to my new favorite redneck event in my life. I was working hard last night trying to sand the drywall in my kitchen. I started out trying to use a pole with a sanding head on it. Obviously I am lacking some type of hand-eye coordination gene because I could not get that thing to work right. I finally had to put it down before I shoved it through either my new door or new window and lost my religion completely. After a couple of calls to my best friend's son (who assured me he was not laughing at me, just the situation), I started back to work with a sanding sponge. (Did you know you weren't supposed to wet a sanding sponge? Luckily I found that out BEFORE I tried it.) I sanded for a couple of hours but it was hot and dusty and made the flab on my upper arms hurt. (I am SUCH a girl!) The only thing I could think of that would wash all that dust away was a certain beverage that my brother keeps in the refrigerator in his barn across the road from me. I was covered in dust so I just took off my shirt, slipped on my fuzzy pink bathrobe and walked across the road. So, Jeff Foxworthy, if you've ever walked across the road in jeans and a fuzzy pink bathrobe to get a beer out of the refrigerator in a barn, you might be a redneck! Heaven knows I am!

"YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT AFTER ALL"

That is the last line of the theme song for the Mary Tyler Moore Show. While I'm not about to go out into the street and throw my tam (who wears a tam anymore?) into the air, I can truly understand the feeling she had when she did that. Times have been hard for this old DW here lately. I'm fortunate to still have my job, but two different pay cuts have left me struggling to stay afloat financially. This morning I found out the debt consolidation my ex and I had was paid off! Do you hear what I'm saying??! That equals an $800 a month raise for me. I have never felt such a sense of relief in my life! I knew it was getting close to paying out but had no idea when it would until I got an email notice this morning that they were stopping my auto debit from my checking account. And, not only did they stop it, they had collected about $300.00 too much and are going to send me a check for it. That totals and extra $1100 dollars for this month!(just in case you couldn't add for yourself!)
The burdens lifted, the clouds parted and for a few minutes I looked like a Disney character, floating down the hall with birds and butterflies and furry little forest creatures dancing around with me. Ok, that may be a bit much but you get the general idea don't you? When there just seems to be no earthly way possible, there may not ever be. But there is always a heavenly way possible and I just want to take this opportunity to say, "Thanks Big Guy. I owe you one." (I actually owe Him very many but He knows what I mean!)

Life Happens

It's easy to make our plans and see where everything will come out okay and we'll all live happily ever after but then - life happens. While making the decision to leave what had been my home for so long and strike out on my own again I looked at all the positives, or at least what I thought were positives.
1. I have a good job. My job, I felt at the time, was relatively secure. The head bookkeeper would be leaving, I would take over all bookkeeping responsibilities, get a raise and live happily ever after, but then - life happened. Not only did I not get a raise, I took a 10% pay cut to be followed by another 10% cut 6 months after that. Money became an issue.
2. The house I was moving back into, that I grew up in, would be fixed up in a matter of just a few short days and I could spend my time decorating and covering things with a fresh coat of paint, but then - life happened. There was far more damage than anticipated, the remodel took months instead of days and is just now approaching completion (5 months later), and paint will not fix everything.
3. I had a good grasp of my emotions and my mental health seemed fine, but then - life happened. As all the other things in my life seemed to be collapsing around my head, I noticed that I cried like a girl over little things all the time. What could possibly be wrong with me? I'm only 46 years old and - oh no. Surely Mother Nature wouldn't do this to me now! But yes, judging from the increase in hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings, Mother Nature is exercising her authority and ushering me into another phase of womanhood fondly referred to by those who haven't gone through it as menopause. Believe me THIS is the curse of Eve - not that little monthly visitor all women get. To quote a line from a movie, "I will go insane and I plan to take you with me!"
I don't guess I planned for life to happen to me when I made my plans. Would I go back and change my decision if I could if I had known all of this? Probably not. Because while money is tight, the house isn't finished and I'm losing my mind there are still some positives.
1. I can still afford to buy brownie mix, ice cream and hot fudge sauce.
2. My freezer, refrigerator and stove all work and I can use them to store my ice cream and hot fudge sauce and bake my brownies.
3. Even though I may be crying like a girl, I can sit in my living room with my pajamas on, mascara running down my cheeks, eating the above mentioned brownies, ice cream and hot fudge sauce and no one will ever know! And THAT my friend, is living!

Time Flies

I can't believe it's already been a week since I last posted! Work has progressed nicely on the house but still not finished. Hopefully soon though.

While my sister was here from Texas she bought me a new-to-me love seat. Of course when we got it home we had to put it in the house right away. But what could we do with the old one? Since I live in the country and since my family has a little dose of red-neckedness in them, we did what any red-blooded Southern girls would do and sat it in the front yard. (Actually my brother-in-law and I sat it in the yard. Sis supervised us.) Heck, after it got rained on a couple of times it looked better than it had in a while! It only sat there for a few days though. When I came home from work yesterday, my brother had loaded it into his truck. I asked him was he taking my love seat and his reply was "Yes. Nothing says redneck like a couch in the front yard." I think we should put that on a t-shirt and sell it.

What???

You might ask what all my previous posts have to do with the title of this blog. You never realize how truly alone you are until you need someone else's help. I thought being on my own would be a breeze. I'm pretty independent and self-sufficient so living by myself would be a snap. Then you realize the house needs work, you need a gas tank installed for heat, you need heaters installed for heat because you gave away the heaters that were in the house when you moved in because you weren't thinking clearly and a whole host of other things. I think this is what they call when realization sets in. I don't know if it's easier for men to be alone than it is women but at some point for both of them, realization does set in.

I've always despised having to ask anyone for help. I never mind giving other people help but I don't like to be on the receiving end. I believe it's a pride thing. My Daddy was like that. He would help anyone, anytime but never wanted help for himself. Being divorced is somewhat of a humbling experience. I've been humbled because I've had to ask for and accept help from friends and family. But I've learned something too. In the past when I've helped other people and they have thanked me, I would always tell them it was no big deal. I was happy to do it. And they would always try to express to me what it meant to them. I don't think I really ever understood what it meant to the one recieving the help until now.

What do people do who don't have a big brother or big sister and brother-in-law to help them out? What do people do who don't have a church family to help them out? What do people do who like to consider themselves loners without friends to help them out? This is such a strange place I'm at in my life right now. I'm used to being the one who takes care of everybody else and now I'm the one being taken care of. As I said, it's a humbling experience. No one can go through life without help from someone at some point. We all need somebody, whether we like to admit it or not. Even if you just write a little blog about your life or eperiences, you need someone to read it. So, to all those people I need - my children, my siblings, my church family, my friends, all the people I love - I want to tell you how much I love you and appreciate everything you've already done for me. And I'm always here if you ever need any help.

Home Improvement 102 (or 201?)

Wonderful news! To all of my followers (all 3 of you!), work is progressing nicely on my kitchen! Of course the damage was worse than what we hoped for but I haven't freaked out one single time! Not when I had to spend the night with no floor in the back part of my kitchen, which wouldn't be bad anyway except my brother found some sort of big critter hole that was dug underneath my utility room. He thinks it may be a wolverine. (A wolverine? Do we have wolverines in Maplesville, AL?) And not when I had to spend the night with no outside wall, just a sheet of plastic. And not even when I spent what I consider way too much on my new back door and storm door. (Notice to all firefighters in my area: If you are called to a house fire at my home - SAVE THOSE NEW DOORS!)

The trip to pick up the doors is a story all its' own. My sister and I took my brother's little truck to Lowe's to get the doors. Just for the record, and in case my brother ever reads this blog, I don't think his truck is bad at all. It just seems to be a little temperamental. On the way to Lowe's we would cruise downhill about 65mph, floor the gas pedal going up the next hill, and still be doing around 55mph when we reached the top. Not a problem.

We get to Lowe's, get out of the truck and my sister says, "Do we need to lock it?" Thinking my brother would be upset if we left his little work truck unlocked I said "Of course." So we locked the doors. Walking into the building I asked my sister "This key will unlock the door and crank the truck too, won't it?" Her answer was "I guess it will. I don't know, he didn't tell me." So we go on in, pick out doors, make half a dozen calls to my brother to ask questions, pay for them and then go out to load them on the truck.

I go to get the truck to pull it around and the key won't unlock the driver's side door. I can't write what words ran through my mind at that moment but I knew we had screwed up. I went to the passenger side in hopes it might unlock that one. It didn't. So I went back to the driver's side just in case I didn't turn it far enough. Still didn't work. I called my brother to ask him if the key opened the doors (dumb question - I already knew the answer) and he said "Don't ever lock the doors." I told him we would figure something out. During this whole time I'm running around the truck, my sister is standing near the store, talking to the man who was going to load my doors, unaware of our predicament. I saw that the sliding back window wasn't locked so I climbed into the back of the truck to see if I could get in that way to reach up and unlock the door. I didn't have anything thin enough to stick in the crack. So here I am, sitting on a cooler in the back of the truck, digging through my purse for a nail file, trying to get my sister's attention. She finally realized I was having issues and came over. We had apparently attracted some other attention and a very nice man and his little boy stopped and asked if we needed help. (Way better than the first guy who walked by me and said "Having a bad run of luck today?")
Being the good-ol'-boy he was, this nice man pulled his knife out of his belt, climbed up into the truck and opened the window for me and unlocked the door. We were saved.

The trip home was another story. We now had heavy doors on the truck so we needed to get up more speed to make it up a hill. The wonderful lady in front of us all the way home went 55mph. There was no way to get up speed before starting up a hill. 55mph, accelerator to the floor, by the time we got to the top of a hill, we were going 40mph. We finally made it home but it was a very long trip. Thank goodness we both have a sense of humor.

Adventures in Travel

Last week was dreadful and I've never been so glad to see a week be over in my life. The best part of the week was my sister and brother-in-law getting here from Texas. That should be all of the story but nope - it's not. Since life is always an adventure for me and those around me they had one. About an hour from my house a deer ran out in front of their motor home. It didn't end well for the deer, although we can't be sure because my BIL never found it. It didn't exactly end well for the motor home either. The front of it suffered some damage (a lot) and it wouldn't crank. They were finally able to arrange to get it towed to my house and finish their trip. You know, someone asked me if their motor home was like Cousin Eddie's on Christmas Vacation and I told them "No, it's a nice one." I may have to change that opinion. A new battery got it running again without a problem. But in order to drive it back to Texas, they are going to have to secure the loose parts on the front end. What would be the tool of choice for any red-blooded, American male to do this? Duct tape!! I can hardly wait to see this after they get it fixed. I've got to take a picture and try to figure out how to post it here.

Things have settled down some for them since they got here though - if you don't count not having water or heat the first morning they woke up. Or not having water the second morning they woke up. Or running out of propane. Just little things like that. We figure by the time they get it all straightened out, it will be time for them to leave - much to my BIL's relief, I'm sure.

Sorry about the lack of posting last week. This is my busiest time of year because I'm the bookkeeper for the company I work for.

On a personal note, I found out my divorce was final on January 12th. I didn't really feel anything when my lawyer told me. I had gone through all those emotions when I signed the papers. If I felt anything I guess it would have to be a sense of relief that it was finally settled. Now maybe my ex and I can build new lives that will be better than we had together. I wish him only the best. I will never be happy about this entire situation. There is a profound sense of sadness when a marriage ends the way ours did.

On the homefront, hopefully my remodel is about to be finished! My sister and brother-in-law will be here Friday to help my brother try to finish it out. It will be so nice to have a fully functional kitchen again. It's pretty hard to wash dishes when you have to get the water from the bathroom! I definitely appreciate all the hard work my brother and brother-in-law have done on my house. And of course, I couldn't argue with the price!

My posting may be sporadic for a while but I will do my best to get back on track as soon as I can get through this week and next so just hang in there with me.

Home Improvement 101

A week after I left what had been my home for the past 18 years, I moved back into the house that had been my home for the first 18 years of my life. My parents had deeded their house to me years ago. After doing that, my Daddy had to be moved into a nursing home where he died a few years later. My Mother was moved into an apartment in town to be near me so I could help keep an eye on her. Less than a year after Daddy died, Mama died too. I became an orphan. So, here I was, 46 years old and moving into the house I grew up in.

To say it had fallen into a state of disrepair is putting it mildly but I didn't care. I had a roof over my head, four walls to keep out the critters and doors that I could lock to keep out two-legged critters. It didn't take long, however, to realize it was going to need a bit of fixing up. My brother, being the wonderful person he is, told me he would help me out with this. The immediate need was the kitchen. The floor was sagging underneath the kitchen cabinet, the ceiling was sagging overhead and the walls were covered in a layer of grease from years of Mama's cooking. Time frame for this repair would be about a week. So my sister and brother-in-law came out from Texas to help with the work - and then the rains came. Not just sporadic showers but downpours that tended to last all day long. It rained almost every day. The land my house sits on is good old red Alabama clay. Starting to get a mental picture here?

What a mess! The floor joists had rotted out and had to be replaced. Everything my poor brother tried to do took twice as long because he was having to work in the mud. The mud even sucked the heel off one of his work boots! He told me if I found it, it was his. One day when I came home from work part of the kitchen floor was missing and I could see the water running under my house from the constant rains! My brother was leaving about to go home for the day so there I was with this hole in the floor. I mean the size of about 2 feet by 10 feet - missing. He assured me he would be back the next day but I had to spend the night with the hole in the floor. Before I went to bed, I turned on his big work light and sat it near the hole to discourage critters. Then I closed my bedroom and bathroom door so if some critter did decide to come in, it couldn't get in my room! The next morning I very carefully opened the door and prayed I wouldn't see a possum, coon, squirrel or even a skunk sitting in my kitchen floor. Luckily there was none there.

After a week, I was down to no ceiling, no wall, no cabinets, and no kitchen sink but I did have a brand spanking new floor that didn't bounce when you walked across it! That was October of last year. That's pretty much where I've been since that time. My brother works on it when he can and I have a wonderful excuse for not cooking. Do you have any idea how hard it is to cook without a kitchen sink? It makes washing dishes pretty sucky too. But I've made it through. I've lived with things I didn't think I could deal with and I have no sympathy for people who whine and complain about their houses or some minor inconvenience they have to deal with like a broken dishwasher. Boo Hoo! When you have to carry water from the bathroom sink to wash dishes in a dishpan on top of your freezer, then you have my sympathies.

It's been tough at times to deal with all this work going on but I wouldn't trade the peace of mind I have when I come home to my house the way it is now for the best house in town to be miserable in. There's a lot to be said for peace of mind.

Waffle House

When was the last time you went to Waffle House? My last time was about 7 or 8 years ago at about 3:00 in the morning. No, I had not been out doing anything I shouldn't have. I had gone with my daughter and one of my friends to the Galleria at 1:00 in the morning for a special sale they were having at Thanksgiving that year. I think it was called Shop Around the Clock or something like that. The highlight of the entire trip was eating at Waffle House afterward. Sad but true. Not that I didn't enjoy a million people packed into a very small space. Or a very old Davy Jones from the Monkees singing "Cheer Up Sleepy Jean" - in person. But I realized at that moment there was nothing in that building that could ever again entice me to leave my bed and my home in the middle of the night and venture out among all those crazy people. Why, I ask you, was I the only one in there who had any sense? Those people were insane.

Our shopping strategy was simple: my friend stood outside and hung over the balcony trying to breathe, my daughter darted all over the store bringing me things to look at, and I got in line to check out as soon as we walked into the store. Insanity. Thank goodness I came to my senses and never went on another adventure like that again.

Anyway, last night after church, I enticed another friend of mine to visit the local Waffle House. Don't know why but I did and SHE AGREED! (Who's the crazy one?) It wasn't very crowded when we got there but the few people inside all stopped to watch us walk across the parking lot and into the building. I'm not sure but I think my friend's zipper may have been undone. She's been doing that a lot lately. We had already walked past a man outside who was pacing from one end of the building to the other talking on one of those earpiece phones so he looked like he was talking to himself. The one's inside were no better. We sat down and had immediate service. After the waitress fixed our drinks and brought them to us, she stood beside our table - and waited. (What else should a waitress do?) She waited while we looked at the menu. We hurried and ordered thinking she would leave and we could talk but she kept standing beside our table. She called out one order to the guy in the back and then after what seemed like five minutes she called out the other order. It was just very strange that she kept standing there beside us.

We got our food quickly and then were able to watch behind the scences as the waitress fixed herself a waffle only to drop it on the floor when it was done. To her credit she did throw it away. By the way, never look behind the scenes at a Waffle House. It's not that pleasant. I'm not even sure I saw a health department rating. The food was good though. We got up to leave when a church van full of teenagers came in to eat. How sad that your church's youth outing is going to Waffle House. Give those kids some money for a retreat or a mission trip or something!

After being chatted up at the register by the parking lot guy, who we found out was a bounty hunter, we left. I can't speak for my friend but I've had my dose of Waffle House to last me another 8 years or so. And if I keep treating my friends like this, I'm going to have to find new ones!

Decisions

First of all, I want you all to know that this was an amicable separation. My ex and I still talk and we even had our Christmas day meal together with our children. There isn't really any anger between us so we are able to be around each other and still feel comfortable. I do still love him, just not the way husbands and wives love each other. You can't spend 21 years with someone and then just walk away without any feelings or at least I couldn't. We had a life together, we have a history and share many memories of raising our children. Some of the effort we make to be with each other is because of our children. Even though our lives are upside down right now and the children are grown, we still want their lives to be relatively untouched by the divorce as much as possible.

The decision to leave was not easy and wasn't made on an impulse. During the course of our marriage we both focused all our energies on raising our children when we weren't working. Our life consisted of doing everything with them and for them. Don't get me wrong about that. I believe that parents should do all they can to support their children and encourage them in whatever endeavor they try but not to the exclusion of your marriage. Unfortunately, no one ever told us that. I used to try to talk to my husband and tell him that one day, the children would be grown and gone and we would look at each other one day and wonder who that stranger was living in the house. Our lives centered around them that much. I even tried to talk him into going for counseling but he told me he was happy with our life. That made one of us.

I knew as long as my children were in school, I would never leave. Once my youngest graduated from high school, our lives were still on the emotional rollercoaster they had been on for several years and it just never seemed like a good time. (when is?) Within 3 months after graduation, my daughter had our first grandchild and my husband's Grandmother had her 90th birthday party (June), we had our big 4th of July party and my husband's sister and her family were here from Texas and came to spend the night with us (July), and my father-in-law unexpectedly passed away (August). After my father-in-law's death, I decided it was time to fix the marriage or put it out of its' misery.

I tried to turn back into Susie Homemaker. I cooked more like I did when the kids were growing up. I made more of an effort to keep house (definitely not my strongest point!), and I talked to my husband about us making it work. We both agreed to try our best. We made a conscious effort to be more affectionate to each other and even started sleeping in the same bed again (for the most part). But one day I felt like I was the only one making the effort so I just stopped everything. No more kisses when we left each other or to say good night, no more begging him to come to bed to sleep instead of sleeping in the recliner, nothing. I'm not sure he even noticed. If he did he never said a word. I knew then that it was over. I didn't know when I would leave but I knew I would.

I don't want to paint my spouse as the bad guy. I wasn't exactly the perfect wife all those years. Our marriage had issues all along and I just don't believe I'll get into all of that here. My children may read this and I fully believe that children do not need to know intimate details about their parents' relationship. But the one thing that we were both guilty of was a lack of communication. We did not talk about any of our problems or about anything for that matter. We truly had become roommates. So I strongly encourage everyone who is married if you don't talk to each other - start. If you do talk but not about problems - change. If you talk about everything together - don't stop! Silence will kill a relationship.

I won't usually post on the weekend unless I just happen to come by my office for something. So if you check in and don't find anything new, come back on Monday.

P.S.

I am very new to blogging so hang in there with me guys. I'm learning as I go and I promise I will get better at this!

In the Beginning

In May 09, my life changed drastically. I was married, the mother of two, grandmother of one and 46 years old. I had lived the American dream and should have been content but there was something missing. So, on Mother's Day, I packed a suitcase, waited for my husband to get home from visiting his Mother, then told him I couldn't do it anymore. I left my home of 18 years that day and went to stay with some friends before moving back into the house I grew up in. How many emotions can run through your mind and body at one time? MANY! I felt relief that I had finally told him it was over. I felt sad for all that had been lost. I was worried about being alone and supporting myself. And, much later on, I was happy that there was a new life waiting for me and I was ready to find out what that life would be.

This story is not a new one because I know thousands of women have done the same thing but it is new for me. In future posts I'll write about the other emotions that showed up later on, moving back into the house where I grew up and the frustrations (and funny moments) about trying to remodel that house with my brother, sister and brother-in-law. And you will also find out some things about my marriage - the rise and fall.

I started this blog because my sister and several friends told me I should write about my adventures in remodeling my house. I know everyone who has ever remodeled has stories to tell but I can guarantee you I have some new ones. How about the night I spent with half my kitchen floor gone so I kept a huge light on in there, hoping no wild critters would come in? Or the night I came home to find that I had no outside wall, only a sheet of plastic separating me from the elements? Or when I tried to wash clothes after a hard freeze in the deep south and found a geyser shooting up out of my kitchen drain? These are just a few of the things that I've usually tried to find humor in but sometimes I fell miserably short of that goal and dissolved into a blubbering pile of jell-o! So if this sounds interesting to you, check back in (I'll post at least once a day) and come on this journey with me. A side note to my family and friends - if I need to I will change the names to protect the innocent but if you have been my partner in crime at any time you're out of luck!