Decisions

First of all, I want you all to know that this was an amicable separation. My ex and I still talk and we even had our Christmas day meal together with our children. There isn't really any anger between us so we are able to be around each other and still feel comfortable. I do still love him, just not the way husbands and wives love each other. You can't spend 21 years with someone and then just walk away without any feelings or at least I couldn't. We had a life together, we have a history and share many memories of raising our children. Some of the effort we make to be with each other is because of our children. Even though our lives are upside down right now and the children are grown, we still want their lives to be relatively untouched by the divorce as much as possible.

The decision to leave was not easy and wasn't made on an impulse. During the course of our marriage we both focused all our energies on raising our children when we weren't working. Our life consisted of doing everything with them and for them. Don't get me wrong about that. I believe that parents should do all they can to support their children and encourage them in whatever endeavor they try but not to the exclusion of your marriage. Unfortunately, no one ever told us that. I used to try to talk to my husband and tell him that one day, the children would be grown and gone and we would look at each other one day and wonder who that stranger was living in the house. Our lives centered around them that much. I even tried to talk him into going for counseling but he told me he was happy with our life. That made one of us.

I knew as long as my children were in school, I would never leave. Once my youngest graduated from high school, our lives were still on the emotional rollercoaster they had been on for several years and it just never seemed like a good time. (when is?) Within 3 months after graduation, my daughter had our first grandchild and my husband's Grandmother had her 90th birthday party (June), we had our big 4th of July party and my husband's sister and her family were here from Texas and came to spend the night with us (July), and my father-in-law unexpectedly passed away (August). After my father-in-law's death, I decided it was time to fix the marriage or put it out of its' misery.

I tried to turn back into Susie Homemaker. I cooked more like I did when the kids were growing up. I made more of an effort to keep house (definitely not my strongest point!), and I talked to my husband about us making it work. We both agreed to try our best. We made a conscious effort to be more affectionate to each other and even started sleeping in the same bed again (for the most part). But one day I felt like I was the only one making the effort so I just stopped everything. No more kisses when we left each other or to say good night, no more begging him to come to bed to sleep instead of sleeping in the recliner, nothing. I'm not sure he even noticed. If he did he never said a word. I knew then that it was over. I didn't know when I would leave but I knew I would.

I don't want to paint my spouse as the bad guy. I wasn't exactly the perfect wife all those years. Our marriage had issues all along and I just don't believe I'll get into all of that here. My children may read this and I fully believe that children do not need to know intimate details about their parents' relationship. But the one thing that we were both guilty of was a lack of communication. We did not talk about any of our problems or about anything for that matter. We truly had become roommates. So I strongly encourage everyone who is married if you don't talk to each other - start. If you do talk but not about problems - change. If you talk about everything together - don't stop! Silence will kill a relationship.

I won't usually post on the weekend unless I just happen to come by my office for something. So if you check in and don't find anything new, come back on Monday.